11 July 2012

My Obsession Was Not God

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A few months back I began a journey of living a healthier lifestyle. I started working out and trying to eat-clean as much as possible. My focus was to lose weight, lose inches, and become what I once was. After having children I started this roller coaster of gaining weight and losing weight. After the birth of my daughter I finally lost all the baby weight and some, around the time she was nine months. I then became pregnant about nine months later, started to gain weight, lost my child at 15 1/2 weeks, ate to deny the fact that my child died in womb. I felt that eating would create the belly I needed to have to look pregnant. It was a psychological thing. I deployed four months later and lost all the weight that I had put on. Returned home from deployment and became pregnant. After my son was born and out of the hospital I was in the gym the very next day. I had a wedding to be in a year from then. I lost all the baby weight. added muscle, and felt great. Of course I had my critics but I did not let that stop me.
We then moved back to the states. I was not getting my gym time in and eventually over a period of a couple of years I gained a lot of weight. This time it was a gradual gain, I did not realize the weight I was gaining. Then I hit 30. I always heard people say that once they hit 30 they had a harder time losing the weight. I always said to myself that will not be me. I will not allow that to happen. God showed me otherwise. He humbled me. I am now 32 and having a hard time losing the weight. Talk about eating my own words. I began working out and watching what I ate. I tried a new weight loss shake product that worked for me. I lost 11 pounds and 11 inches within seven weeks. Then came the holidays. Yep, you can guess what happen. I decided the first of the year I was going to be like many other people and begin getting serious about losing weight. Then we found out we were moving from Alaska to Wisconsin and it was 26 days from the day we found out to the day we left. Oh you have to had CHRISTmas in there also. I had to put off my new weight loss journey until we could settled into our new home. Finally on 13 February I started my journey. I was dedicated. I was going to succeed. I bought eat-clean books, hubby bought me a weight bench set, I had my treadmill, we set up a gym in the basement, and I had my workout plans in place. I was ready.

The first month I did great. I rarely had cheat meals. I stopped drinking soda and I was working out twice a day. I knew when it came time to weigh-in I would be at least ten pounds down. I stepped on the scale and lost two pounds. Really? I taped myself and saw that I lost a good amount of inches. I was stuck on the two pounds. Yes I lost inches and that is better than pounds but I was not happy. So the second month I worked even harder. I added in more workouts so now I am working out about four times a day, eating clean, and doing tons of research. I Incorporated more weight-lifting and more HIIT cardio. I was determined to lose the pounds. Second month weigh-in. Another couple of pounds. I felt defeated. Taped myself and lost another large amount of inches. Again the scale was my main focus. Yes, my clothes were fitting differently but mentally I was defeated. People were not noticing or if they were no one was saying anything. So that was mentally getting to me. The scale is not moving and I feel like I have made no improvements. I felt like I looked the same, the day I started this journey.

My third month I increased the intensity of the workouts, but things changed. God was working on me.  I was having more cheat meals. My workouts begin to slack. I completed the three month challenge I had set up, but God was showing me something. He showed me that I made my fitness lifestyle into an idol. Of course He was right. I stopped my daily Bible reading. I stopped my daily prayers. I stopped talking with Him. I set Him aside to focus on me. No wonder why I was losing in this battle of weight loss. I was not focusing on Him. He was going to help me, but I did not allow Him too. I was looking to other people to help me. As my friend recently told me "you were bordering on obsessive." When I saw that I knew she was right. I was obsessed with fitness and not Him. My every thought was fitness. The time I woke up in the morning to the time I went to bed at night I was focused on fitness.

I needed to change that.

I had to step back from the fitness world and rebuild my relationship with Him. I had to put Him first again. I had to find a balance. Once I had that under control I could begin my journey again. This time it is different. This time my focus is on Him. Before I run I pray. During my run I pray. After my run I pray. I have my conversations with Him during this time. I still have my daily Bible readings. I continue with my daily talks with Him. I am putting Him first.

I am not saying if your entire focus is on fitness that you are wrong. God wants us to be healthy inside and out. We are to treat our bodies as a temple. What I am saying is if God is not the center of our life in every aspect then we are wrong. The best part is He is there with arms extended welcoming us back when we return.

As I prepare for my first 5K race in October I am putting Him first. He and I will run this race together. Father and daughter. The King and the princess.

My focus is on Him.

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