16 September 2014

I Am Done


That is my main addiction.

I am addicted to food.

I love all things food especially the food that is not so good for me. Then there are some foods that I cannot stand like vegetables. I cannot stand vegetables. BLAH! I would rather eat brownies, fettuccine alfredo, pizza, or drink tons of sweet tea from Chick-fil-a. I have no self-control when it comes to these particular items. I feel I have to eat every last bite or drink the entire gallon of tea.

When I face a difficult time in my life or had a trying day in our homeschool, more and likely you can find me sitting on the couch indulging in some type of food. Then after that item is done I am moving onto something else to eat.

I am an emotional eater.

I know this. I struggle with it daily. The enemy knows this as well. I am tempted many times throughout the day to indulge. Many times I have failed and indulged in the temptation. Then I begin the vicious cycle of feeling guilty for caving in and then I indulge some more because again I am an emotional eater.

This year my main goal was to focus on my weight loss journey. I find myself nine months later feeling as if I am still in square one. Up and down. Up and down. Two steps forward, five steps back. I am constantly facing an uphill battle with no end in sight.

In mid-July I started working with a friend who plans my meals and workouts. For a month I was doing really well. I was down four and half pounds and lost five and half inches. I even faced my greatest fear in my workout. The box jump. It took me a couple of weeks but I overcame that fear. Of course, I was standing in the gym in tears because I was terrified but God was there holding my hand. Not allowing me to fall.
The box jump!
As I started my second month with my friend I began to experience shin splints. Then my feet were causing me pain when I walked. After a trip to the doctor I found I had plantar fasciitis. I was devastated. I felt defeated. I’m an “all in” kind of girl. If I couldn’t workout then why eat right? I not only felt physically defeated but mentally. I began listening to the lies of the enemy. I threw myself a pity party. I cried. A LOT. I was done trying. I began to believe this is how my body was supposed to look. Overweight. Unhealthy. For the first time I became angry with God. I was frustrated.

One night while lying in bed I wrestled with God. Not physically wrestled but emotionally. I went into my kitchen with my Bible and argued with Him. I turned to Isaiah 40 and 41. I asked why? Each time I asked why, He would show me His answer in these two chapters. I began to understand. I turned my eyes away from Him and allowed the enemy to attack me.

More trips to the doctor. More tests. Cysts on the heels and now wearing a boot to help lessen the pain in my left heel. More feelings of defeat. I am never going to reach my goals I had set out for myself for this year. Again the endless cycle of emotions began and I turned to food. I was sabotaging myself.
The boot
Then I woke up one morning with my mind made up. I AM DONE! I am done with this cycle. I am done with the lies. I am done with this pity party. I am done feeling like a failure.  I am an overcomer.

I will overcome this injury. I will overcome this addiction. I will overcome the feeling of defeat. I will overcome the chains the enemy has placed on me because my God is greater.

Each day I pray asking for His help and grace. I cannot do this alone. He places people in my path to help me overcome this struggle. In the end, it is He who is with me holding my hand as I travel this path I am on.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, Isaiah 41:13-14a

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