17 November 2010
A few years ago when God was really working on my heart I had a hard time letting things go. No matter how hard I tried I just could not do it. It did not matter what it was or how long it occurred, I could not let go. Sometimes I would try telling myself that I had forgotten or forgave that person or persons but in reality I did not. I guess you can say I was fooling myself or try to convince myself otherwise. I would always tell myself "God cannot forgive me until I forgive them." It just seemed so easier said than done. I had reached a point in my life where I was so mad and angry with myself that I did not like who I had become. This just caused more fuel to the fire because I would say "well if that person did not do that or say that I would not be like this." Blaming others for my own actions. That is what I did. Lost. Broken. Walking in a world of hurt and hurting those around me. I wanted others who have hurt me to feel my pain. I wanted them to see what they caused. I wanted them to hurt.
God knew what I was doing and He healed me.
I had reached my breaking point and needed Him more than ever. I remember praying asking Him to take my pain, sadness, anger, loneliness, hurt, and betrayed feelings away. I just wanted one day of true happiness. Just one day.
While in church our pastor was preaching a sermon and to be honest I cannot remember on what but it was a verse he had said that had me listening. God was speaking to me and I needed to listen. I wanted to be this person that did not want to hurt or be angry and He was telling me how. He was giving me the answer.
"Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62
That was it. Plain as day. I had to stop looking back. How could I be a good child of God and spread His word when I could not stop looking back? I was not showing anyone God's love not even myself. I had to let it go, ALL of it.
To this day I cannot remember most of the things that bothered me but I do remember some. That is when I ask God to take it away. All of it.
I was very shocked this week when God was putting this scripture on my heart. I did not understand why and still do not. But this was a scripture that He kept bringing back to me. But it is a scripture that had brought me out of the valley and into the palace and one day will bring me home. Heaven with my Heavenly Father.
Please stop by Mom's Mustard Seed for some more planting!